I happen to be the friend in my group who just can’t seem to get it right when it comes to picking right guys and relationships. That said, I started leaving it up to my friends to pick them for me - bad idea. Let me tell you, they have failed me as many times in this department then I have failed myself.
So, my best friend and her husband who happen to be happily married and love playing match-maker with me introduced me to this guy. Let’s call this “unique” fella Jake. Now Jake wasn’t my usual type, I like ‘em douchey, covered in tattoos or well... you could say I enjoy riding the night. Jake was blonde, kind of nerdy, with a rugged side to him - a thrill seeker you could say. We met on a hot summer day. My best friend’s husband invited Jake and a couple of his friends down to the creek where most of our summer hangs (or debauchery) commence. Jake and I started chatting, and as I was a few canned margaritas in, I get REAL flirty. I blame tequila! Regardless he seemed sweet and smart, and a possibly future suited for my lonely self.
After that day a week or so passes and Jake and I continue to text and get to know each other and he seemed normal enough, and decent enough to potentially give this cookie up too. On another summer evening, my best friend and her husband invite everyone down to the creek. After a long day in the sun and a few drinks, Jake invited everyone back to his to continue the party. We assumed it was going to be lit, BUT, oh no honey, more like LAME. Inevitably my best friend and her husband leave. Now I’m stuck with Jake... yikes! I thought maybe we would have some drinks, talk, enjoy the summer night, but boy was I wrong. When everyone had gone to bed, we start making out on the couch. It’s all sweet and dandy until Jake practically throws himself on me like a desperate little puppy from the SPCA. I play it off like I’m an uber innocent, classy gal and explain that it’s only the second time hanging out, and I want to get to know him better. Jake takes this as a challenge and starts trying to convince me about his massive dick game. I could just tell his “dick game” was a massive joke. Eventually I gave into Mr.Desperado and thought, “Summer night pity fuck, what’s the worst that could happen?”
This is where the disaster begins, we start rubbing up on each other with our clothes still on. He then aggressively takes my legs, throws them in the air, and then licks my jeans from my ass to my kitty. FULL TONGUE TO DENIM! Like how does that Fashion Nova taste? WT-ACTUAL-F?! I am absolutely traumatized at this point, like I wanna laugh in his face, get up, and leave, but I'm in too deep. He takes my pants off and starts eating me out, and let me tell you it was bad, like bad bad. Kind of like a mix of bad DJing with his hands, and struggling to find my clit with his tongue. As if Indiana Jones was trying to find the Ark of Covenant. I was very bored and eventually told him to put it (he talked his dick up so much I thought maybe he’d redeem himself). He whips out the most average looking penis, no where near the thickness or length that was talked about earlier. He started to fuck me in missionary, and it’s nothing but underwhelming. I struggle to control my facial expressions and I didn’t want him to see how unimpressed I was, so I ask him to fuck me from behind to protect his little ego. He bends me over the couch and starts fucking me from behind, and once again I'm boredly pondering,“when will this petty fuck be over.” Jake asks me “You like this dick?” So I let out a hilariously unenthusiastic and quite sarcastic “Oh yeah.” At this point my acting skills we that of Nicolas Cage and I could not keep it together. I look back at Jake and say “Can you finish already?” In the bitchiest voice (in which I was trying to withhold the entire time). He finishes and I run to the bathroom as fast as I can. I look myself in the mirror, in horror, and my overly botoxed face moved for the first time IN YEARS. I collect my things as fast as I could and try to leave. Jake is still smitten, all googly-eyed, begging me to stay. I give him a cold kiss goodbye and drive home 20 min in complete silence with my face frozen in disgust.
Let me tell you, my best friend and her husband were pissing themselves laughing when I told them the story and they can never look at him the same.